Wednesday, January 28, 2009

In which Scarlett Johansson does everything that she can to test my unconditional love for her.

One thing that needs to be known about me: I will often refer to my (love of/delusional marriage to) Scarlett Johansson. Certainly not because of her acting talent (because I saw The Spirit and several other terrible others)... but because, I mean, look at her. She's Scarlett Johansson. This is a person who put a used tissue up for auction for charity and had it raise over $5000... and when I heard the news, the price sounded COMPLETELY REASONABLE to me. For her, I would put out a hit on Ryan Reynolds and any other possible suitor. She is Scarlett Johansson, she is unbelievably attractive, she seems like a reasonably intelligent person, and that's all she needs to be.

However, she has decided to follow down the path that so many actors and actresses before her have taken, deciding to develop her music career. Ill-advised? Probably. Check out this kareoke clip from Lost in Translation.

Sidenote: Bill Murray's backup vocals are great.

Anyway, somewhere in the decision-making process, somebody apparently told her that her voice wouldn't really be great for singing her own songs. However, before that person could finish, I feel like Scarlett cut them off, suggested that she do covers, and ran away to record before anyone could tell her otherwise. Hence, her album of covers of this guy:

That, dear reader(s), is Tom Waits. As you might be able to tell from the picture, he is responsible for some terrifying music. The man's voice sounds like a pack of cigarettes personified. Seriously (and feel free to skip to the song about 45 seconds in if you must, though I recommend watching it just to get a feel for all that crazy):

Now, it seems inexplicable to me that she would pick Tom Waits as a person whose songs she thought she could do justice. It baffles me more that she actually decided to pick THAT SONG that the above video is for. And worst of all, I'm still trying to get over why her team of producers turned it into the dance music trainwreck of the finished product. I put it in the playlist at the bottom of the entry, and everyone should go down and listen to it now, then come back.

Hey again. Horrendous, right? And what exactly is going on with the weird synthesizers? This sounds like a less lively Ace of Base B-side.

But, this came out almost a year ago. The reason that I'm writing this is for something that showed up yesterday, as apparently for the soundtrack of her new movie, He's Just Not That Into You, someone let her off of her leash and allowed her to do yet another cover, this time of Jeff Buckley.

Somewhat ironically, Jeff Buckley's most well-known song is also a cover (of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah"). However, the major difference is that Jeff didn't decide to cover a song by someone with an unbelievable voice. Jeff Buckley, in fact, had an unbelievable voice.

Scarlett Johansson does not have an unbelievable voice.

Or, you can be the judge. Enclosed in the playlist is Jeff Buckley's original (which I wouldn't really count as one of my favorite Buckley songs, but still) and right here's the link to Scarlett's cover. At least her version is a full two minutes shorter?

In addition, the playlist has my actual favorite Jeff Buckley song, the creepiest Tom Waits... uhh, thing (I hesitate to call it a song) that I've ever heard, and two Ace of Base songs, because I strongly doubt that Ace of Base has gotten any love outside of Sweden in over ten years.

In conclusion, I would still pay over $5000 for a Scarlett Johansson tissue.


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